BONEHEAD PICK UP LINES

While compiling my annual list of Chrissy Quotes, it got me to thinking about how nice it is to be here with someone who provides a constant source of material. That wasn’t always the case though.

Thinking back to my single Bone days – I occasionally would have to work at getting a date. I know I know it’s surprising, me being so charming and shit but it wasn’t always so easy for me to sweep a lady off her feet. Unless of course I was whacking her across the skull with a broom.

My problem was an opening line. From time to time I could put together a brilliant statement  but more often than not I fumbled with the situation and went home alone and phone numberless.

As a service to my Bonehead readers – here then are some pickup lines that usually will not work.

• Last time I was in this bar, I got so drunk, when I woke up the next day I noticed somebody shit in my pants.
• Hey baby! Were your parents retarded ‘cause you sure are special!
• Nice nose, was your dad a pelican ?
• I may not be the best looking guy here – but I’m the only one talking to you.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
• Excuse me, but why is your moose drinking my cheese?
• What’s a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
• Pardon me; can I borrow your spatula ?
• I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re starting to look pretty good.
• Are you wearing space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world!
• Guess what, you’re eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
• I like honesty, this is my real hair. Are those your real breasts?
• Ya know I had a feeling I might meet one of my future ex-wives here tonight.
• They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste, I see you however, disagree.

Fortunately, my large wallet , position of power and drop dead good looks helped me land my beautiful wife without the need to resort to tired old pickup lines. I took the more tactical route of hiring her for a prestigious opening in the company I worked for at the time.

With age comes wisdom, so I have also learned to leave the creative quotes to my wife, while I now stick to creative writing which includes the spell, grammar and fact checker, plus a delete key – which would have probably saved me significant stain removal costs from the dry cleaners as a young man after having drinks thrown at me.